Today my heart hurt. I am not sure why, maybe just everything. There are times in your life when you are going through so much internally and you don't want to share it, as it may make someone stumble. You want to let out all that you feel but realize that what you feel isn't that great and it would not only ruin your testimony, but it may make someone else hurt, fear, wonder, or doubt. And you certainly don't want to be responsible for that. But yet you feel..depressed, unloved, useless and a life wasted. So many regrets cram into your mind and your heart is physically overwhelmed to the point where you want to just run. Run from the life you have and beg God to please transport you back in time, let you do it all again with different results.
But then you look at your children, your life that you have lived and see the most miraculous thing. In all your failures, you had the most wonderful children that without your mistakes would not be who they are today. With every miserable failure, every wrong turn, every mess up and flat out horrible step you took in your life, you molded someone that touches the world. whether 8 or 19 or even 11, your life has produced a life changing chain of events that has helped someone; has reached out in love, compassion, and yes, godliness.
Your life is a reason to be. If you reach beyond todays pain and uselessness and see that in the years that have been so wasted, someone without a mother was touched and helped by your hand, a child was comforted in an abusive situation, or even rescued from a predator as a result of your diligence and hardheadedness, a life maybe saved, or at least rescued from torturous existence. Maybe it wasn't so bad so far. If this useless, wasted life of daily mistakes has been used by God to raise a warrior for His kingdom, well then, isn't every miserable mistake worth every single solitary second? I haven't begun to see the effects my little, useless life has had. Let these words be true.