Monday, January 31, 2011

   I became infertile over 17 years ago. It is no secret to those who have known me these past 15 years that I wanted a large family. At least 6 children. I have 3 living children but I have tried for the last 9 years to have more. I have paid for 9 more attempts with a specialist because this is how I had my last 2. I had been pregnant 7 times before my last child. Only 3 survived.

   This is the year that I had to accept that I would not have anymore children. It was a death blow to my heart. The knowledge has knocked me in a strong place where I did not know I was vulnerable. I have suffered all the symptoms of clinical depression. It has shaken me in another area that I never had any doubts either. That is the most devastating thing of all I believe. I started to doubt whether God loved me. I do want to stress vehemently that I have never doubted for one minute that He exists. Because faith is a gift from God and he does not take back gifts I have learned. So I have my stronghold of knowledge that God is God. He does exist and he does micromanage our lives.

 But yet I doubted. And for months I cried out in anger, grief and anguish that is only understood by someone who has this same longing. A woman who can have child after child with little effort will not understand the depth of the grief associated with this longing. And many will nor understand why it hurt so much because "you already have 3, many women don't even have that many". And they are right. I am thankful. It is not that I am not thankful but my grief is from something deep inside me that I cannot explain. The father of my children believes that I have been trying to replace my daughter who died 2 weeks before she was due. She would be 22 yrs old this year. But every mother knows you cannot replace any child. Not the one that was still at birth, or the one that never made it to 12 weeks gestation. My grief is my own and I know that it is there. Rational or not. It is there.

  This year, I knew that I had reached the age that I should not try again because if by a miracle I was able to have another child it wouldn't be fair for the child to have a mother 40 something years older than they were. I may not live to see them graduate. I know that possibility is there for every parent but over 40 is pushing it. So I have settled in my heart that I will only have 3 children and that I will put my sole efforts into them. And that knowledge drowned me everyday.

  I cried out everyday for answers from God as to why He withheld His blessings from me yet a child was abused and killed everyday in the hands of heathens and cruel people. I was angry and belligerent to my Heavenly Father in the same manner that I was to my earthly father when he lived. I really tested that family bond with Him.

And Then He Answered.

  You really want an answer from God about these mysteries of suffering and you are sincere with deep and abiding belief that He can answer. But you really doubt He is gonna do it til you get to Heaven. But you pray and rant anyway. Well, the very unexpected happened to me. God answered why I was infertile at age 27. Why, while everyone around me was either pregnant, getting pregnant or trying not to get pregnant, there I was for 17 years, unable to get pregnant naturally. And it came in the form of a 17 year old girl. The day she was born was the month that I tried to get pregnant and couldn't. And never was able to again naturally. My womb was closed unexpectedly after 1 stillborn,  1 wonderful son, and 1 mid term miscarriage. I couldn't conceive.

 And across the nation a little baby was born. This summer I met her. My heart met her and in the process of a 2 hour conversation that God alone orchestrated, I found out why I was infertile. I cannot and I mean because of a promise, tell the details of why my infertility was so important in this young girls life, and why my testimony answered her questions and crying out to the Lord but I assure you, as God assured me, I rested in my affliction that day. As did this young girl. And she left me with a hope that she needed. That God provided on a still road, on a hot summer night with His stars in the sky proclaiming that He alone, God alone is in control of our lives and every second, every thing, every joy and affliction is for His glory so that He can care for His creations.

What a miracle to witness both an answer so profound to both of us, who had never known one another but met for a brief time when our paths crossed and God answered our crying out to Him in this incredible way. How deeply He must love us to know that we can bear one another's burdens and provide through Him comfort and relief.  This is my testimony to His Greatness. His loving kindness to a young girl through me. What a blessing to have been infertile for her. I would not change a thing. I miss the spots where I believe children should be in between, before and after the children I have but God had a greater plan than a large family for me. That would have been easy.That was for other women.

 I have been "the mother of many children" as a barren woman. (Isaiah 54:1) and the bearer of a burden for the comfort of the innocent. How blessed to be chosen to bear this affliction. It will comfort me well into Heaven.

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Useless Life

  Today my heart hurt. I am not sure why, maybe just everything. There are times in your life when you are going through so much internally and you don't want to share it, as it may make someone stumble. You want to let out all that you feel but realize that what you feel isn't that great and it would not only ruin your testimony, but it may make someone else hurt, fear, wonder, or doubt. And you certainly don't want to be responsible for that. But yet you feel..depressed, unloved, useless and a life wasted. So many regrets cram into your mind and your heart is physically overwhelmed to the point where you want to just run. Run from the life you have and beg God to please transport you back in time, let you do it all again with different results.

   But then you look at your children, your life that you have lived and see the most miraculous thing. In all your failures, you had the most wonderful children that without your mistakes would not be who they are today. With every miserable failure, every wrong turn, every mess up and flat out horrible step you took in your life, you molded someone that touches the world. whether 8 or 19 or even 11, your life has produced a life changing chain of events that has helped someone; has reached out in love, compassion, and yes, godliness.

  Your life is a reason to be. If you reach beyond todays pain and uselessness and see that in the years that have been so wasted, someone without a mother was touched and helped by your hand, a child was comforted in an abusive situation, or even rescued from a predator as a result of your diligence and hardheadedness, a life maybe saved, or at least rescued from torturous existence. Maybe it wasn't so bad so far. If this useless, wasted life of daily mistakes has been used by God to raise a warrior for His kingdom, well then, isn't every miserable mistake worth every single solitary second? I haven't begun to see the effects my little, useless life has had. Let these words be true.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

(26) For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. (27) But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; (28) and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, (29) that no flesh should glory in His presence. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Promise Me

When my son was around 14 I read an article somewhere, probably in Michael Pearl's publication or Above Rubies or maybe one of Vision Forum's publications about expectations in children. It may have been something else and I really wish I had a decent memory because maybe then you could read the article yourself and get out of it the same thing I did. What I discovered was a Code Statement.

  A Code Statement was something that was a statement that meant something only to you and your child. Or in some families it was a Family Code Statement. Because of the unusual dynamics of my household, things like this were strictly between my kids and me. The statement was a code between you and your child that was the synopsis of everything that you expected and hoped for your child when you were not there. Now the article didn't say this exactly, but you know how when you read something and you get an idea that comes from the basis of what someone else is saying but it is not really what they are saying? Know what I am saying? Sorry, couldn't resist....:))

  Seriously though, I sat down one day and thought about the things that were important to me for my child to do and not do when I was not there to help him. How to resist temptation that the devil makes sure you are 100 miles away from your child before he unleashes it, that kind of temptation. What words could I put in my child's head that would give him strength without him having to take the time to pull out a long list of "Do Not's" and think "well would my Mom want me to do this?" and all that kind of stuff.  So I made a list, and the name of the list was "Promise Me".

It was something like this:

Promise Me that you will not put anything evil in front of your eyes
Promise Me that nothing evil will cross your lips
Promise Me that you will not do anything that you could not do with me watching you
Promise Me that you will not say anything that you would not say in front of me or the Preacher
Promise Me that above all you will think of Jesus Christ before you embark or partake in anything
Promise Me that you will keep your eyes, ears and heart pure at all times.
Promise Me that you will not look at any immodest woman or thing, that your eyes stay pure
Promise Me that you will think and say only what is Godly and pure so that your laughter and fellowship
will be pure and happy.

    This is not the exact list, my son just read it again, he is now 19, almost 20, but it is close. If we find that old battered list I will put it up, but this gives you the gist of it.

  You may think that is alot to put on a 14 year old, but it is not, because way before that age he has been bombarded by imagery, and stories and temptations way beyond what you may think. Even you Godly Homeschoolers young men have things thrown at your child when he is not next to you, sometimes even in the pew next to you. Satan is so devious and he hates your children more than you can know because God loves them so much, he wants to destroy them. And uses any means he can.  So, to give my child strength, in accordance to the scripture, to raise them in the way they should go, I came up with a code statement. And every time he left my presence, whether to go on youth camps, out the door to Boy Scouts or to the homeschool Co-Op or even to his Sunday School class, when my son gave me the mandatory goodbye kiss on the cheek, I would whisper "Promise Me" and he would always say to me, looking me in the eyes, "I Promise".  And I let him go. To go out of my presence, into the world with a promise on his lips to his Mother, who he knew was praying for him constantly. He had all the scriptures memorized and knew that in promising me all these things, that he was in actuality, promising God. It made a difference. This link to my heart, this promise, meant something to my son for many years. And it still does.

   When I put him the plane in the morning and kiss him goodbye as he flies away from me for 6 months to 9 different states working for a ministry to promote the kingdom of God through the equipping of young minds in government, I will whisper "Promise Me" and he will, I have no doubt, look me in the eyes and whisper back "I Promise".

It is is our code statement, not meant for other ears, only our two, a promise to God between us. My promise to God that I will pray for my child and raise him in the Admonition of the Lord, and my child's promise to me that he will live his life for God by following His precepts. It is a blessing to give to your child, something to hold on to when you are not there, something for them to live up to and something for them to stand by when you cannot stand by them.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Limiting Embryonic Stem Cell research and starving children

I read a question from someone in an old Washington Post He asked "why do we limit embryonic stem cell research but let children starve everyday?" I think that is a valid question because all questions signify that the person asking them does not know the answer and wants someone to tell them the answer. So here ya go: It is alot more simple than you are implying. First there are no starving children in the USA. The only cases of children starving are the ones who are under the radar of the local, state and federal authorities not to mention the religious community of every belief. That is a lot of coverage. Any starvation of a child in the USA with all the social programs, faith based programs and just the downright overwhelming generosity of the average American is intentional on the parent or caregiver of said child. That said, I will move on to explain the starvation of children in other countries. There are thousands upon thousands of children either going to bed each night hungry or dying of malnutrition every day. 26,5000 children will die today and everyday for causes that include malnutrition (starvation). According to the website over half of the those children are in the sub Saharan portion of Africa, a quarter of them are in South Asia, and the rest except for .1 percent are in Latin American countries. IF you are following that is .1 percent for the Western Industrialized nations. If you will google "feed poor children around the world" what do you get? about 600,000 entries. Knowing that tons of them are probably repeats I will hazard a non scientific guess (and don't cut and paste this comment and allude I am making any other non scientific guesses on anything other than these organization, I need the money and will sue you) that there are around 20,000 legitimate organizations that collect money, clothes and battleship size containers of food to send to the poorest parts of the country. Along with millions of condoms and all forms of birth control. The majority of donations made to all these thousands of companies are made by Americans. I have almost sent the last $10.00 in my checking account after watching one of those heart wrenching commercials with pictures of little children with flies coming out of their mouths. I wanted to slap the parents for having sex too. But then most of them don't know that causes kids. And there you have it: one of the leading causes of overpopulation in the world in starving countries is that the people don't have the basic knowledge of how their bodies work. They live like animals in ignorance and poverty. And in that comes child after child to people unequipped to be parents. This leads to child rape, sexual bondage, sexual trade of children,and trafficking of minors. Because no matter what is going on in a man's life he is a slave to his nether regions and must have sex. Now I can hear you ask: "what does this have to do with the fact that children are starving and it is America's right wing fanatics fault because all they care about are embryos and fetuses?" Well let me tell you Grasshopper... These poverty stricken countries that have millions of tons of food shipped to them every day of the year for the last 25 years since the sensational multi continent concert "LIVE AID" swept the globe and also have had millions upon millions of dollars and people sent to aid them have consistently done the same thing: the governments of these nations have made sure the worldwide aid has not reached there people. They intentionally, make sure you hear me, intentionally and on purpose, with malicious intent and with pure effort, hoard the food, burn it, let it rot or best case scenario, trickle it to the people. Appalling but obviously not a front page sensational story like Brittany Spears shaving her head on a drug/drunken night out. No, as a matter of fact you have to search for the stories. Because if this was put in the mainstream media, all those thousands upon thousands of people who write those checks every month and wait for that picture of little Annoria or Carlos to come in the mail knew that their money was in fact enabling a third world dictator to buy a Rolex instead of feeding a family of 18 for 6 months they would slam the kitty door closed and nail it shut and then no more TV commercials for Juan to persuade the gullible American they can end world poverty with as little as $30.00 a month. There are children starving to death at the rate of 10,000 a day because of selfish, power crazy (remember Saddam Hussien? but I forgot the Liberals said he was really a nice guy once you got to know him and you weren't a citizen of Iraq) and sick cruel Men and I say Men because it is across the board that they are in charge. Women and children in all these countries aren't even allowed to eat unless the man of the house is willing to share his food. Child hungry and crying? tough, a man's gotta eat so he can have sex and make more unwanted children to starve in the streets. So when we are able to go into a country where there are starving children with the freedom to feed them and set the families up with an educational system that leads out of poverty, when we are able to find a government that puts all the free food and money that the world throws at all these nut case countries into their starving and poverty stricken populations, then we will end childhood hunger. We have enough food in America to "Feed the World". But the world won't open their door and let us in.