Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Grief I Never Knew

  My nephew is in the army. He enlisted when he was 18, right out of high school. . He got married when he was 18. He had a baby with his wife before he was 19.  Everyone has a facebook and I am glad. It keeps us connected. Thank you creepy Mark Zuckerburg. I can keep up with my nephews wife while she waits on her new baby, takes care of her barely 2 year old and waits also for her husband's deployment to end. Hopefully with him this side of Heaven.

  While browsing my niece in law's facebook, I saw an entry from a young army wife whose profile picture was a young man, so I clicked on her profile, I am not sure why. It was open to the public and I read her entries and realized that this young mother had lost a baby in 2010. It was her second baby and it was a stillborn child. This touched my heart as I also have had a still baby. I guess they call them still born because of the incredible stillness of the child in your arms. As I kept reading I saw that she had an almost 5 month old too. And then I saw that she set her husband's picture as her profile picture in memory of him. She had lost her young husband in Afganistan 6 months before their 3rd child was to be born. My stomach caught in a knot and my eyes immediately teared up. I felt a wave of grief for this young girl who couldn't have been more than 22 or 23. She was one of thousands, maybe millions of young wives who waited on a husband that never came home. Not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. I imagined what would happen to the sweet almost 20 yr old wife of my nephew who was pregnant with her second little boy with the young man that I use to change his diapers. What would my sister/cousin do if she received the man in full uniform at her door, telling her of her oldest son's death at the hands of an enemy we have never courted. This young widow was the face of my niece, she had received the knock on the door, the gloved hand to hold her while she called her mother and best friend to come help her live through the pain. She received the arms of the other young women who had received the same knock on the door and had to tell their children that Daddy went to Heaven and would not be home to live with them.

  Can I just tell you that my throat ached with unshed tears when I saw her most recent post to a man that can't read her message? How much I wanted to reach in the computer and hold that young girl who had lost not only her baby but a husband too? I have never felt that kind of grief in my 40 plus years. I have lost a mother, a father, a baby and a brother but never a husband while a child was in my womb and 2 year old on my hip. I have never heard that a lunatic planted bombs to kill my young husband and take my future away. And she, this young woman, she writes with such peace. Yes, I stalked her facebook, trying to know this unknown young woman, trying to fathom how she dealt with this blow to her heart, her future and her children's future. How did she give birth and have the strength to go on in the midst of grieving for the love of her life? I have felt that desperate young love once, it is so pure and satisfying to have that young love and life in your arms. To dream and have children with. How did she bear it? How does she go on day by day? So, I read on, and do you know how she does it?

   She does not seem to have a mature faith in God, but she has a simple one. She believes that her husband is with her daughter that died 1 yr before he did and she imagines their life together. She is in college full time, while living with her parents and she is also reaching out as a Widow Sister to the other young women who are receiving the knock on their door or will one day. Her posts are positive comments on her beautiful children's progress and her own in college. She posts poems to her husband that are not sad but encouraging. How I admire this young woman that I have never met. How I pray for her and her children. She has inspired me to know that if ever faced with the depth of grief that she has faced, to follow this girl, young enough to be my daughter, to follow her example of strength. I have the Lord and know that I can do this through Him and I know that He is helping her even though she may not know to what extent, but from the few posts I read, she is learning about Him. So I pray for her spiritual growth and that her story will include the acknowledgement of God in her life. I see seeds in her, I pray for a harvest.