Monday, January 31, 2011

   I became infertile over 17 years ago. It is no secret to those who have known me these past 15 years that I wanted a large family. At least 6 children. I have 3 living children but I have tried for the last 9 years to have more. I have paid for 9 more attempts with a specialist because this is how I had my last 2. I had been pregnant 7 times before my last child. Only 3 survived.

   This is the year that I had to accept that I would not have anymore children. It was a death blow to my heart. The knowledge has knocked me in a strong place where I did not know I was vulnerable. I have suffered all the symptoms of clinical depression. It has shaken me in another area that I never had any doubts either. That is the most devastating thing of all I believe. I started to doubt whether God loved me. I do want to stress vehemently that I have never doubted for one minute that He exists. Because faith is a gift from God and he does not take back gifts I have learned. So I have my stronghold of knowledge that God is God. He does exist and he does micromanage our lives.

 But yet I doubted. And for months I cried out in anger, grief and anguish that is only understood by someone who has this same longing. A woman who can have child after child with little effort will not understand the depth of the grief associated with this longing. And many will nor understand why it hurt so much because "you already have 3, many women don't even have that many". And they are right. I am thankful. It is not that I am not thankful but my grief is from something deep inside me that I cannot explain. The father of my children believes that I have been trying to replace my daughter who died 2 weeks before she was due. She would be 22 yrs old this year. But every mother knows you cannot replace any child. Not the one that was still at birth, or the one that never made it to 12 weeks gestation. My grief is my own and I know that it is there. Rational or not. It is there.

  This year, I knew that I had reached the age that I should not try again because if by a miracle I was able to have another child it wouldn't be fair for the child to have a mother 40 something years older than they were. I may not live to see them graduate. I know that possibility is there for every parent but over 40 is pushing it. So I have settled in my heart that I will only have 3 children and that I will put my sole efforts into them. And that knowledge drowned me everyday.

  I cried out everyday for answers from God as to why He withheld His blessings from me yet a child was abused and killed everyday in the hands of heathens and cruel people. I was angry and belligerent to my Heavenly Father in the same manner that I was to my earthly father when he lived. I really tested that family bond with Him.

And Then He Answered.

  You really want an answer from God about these mysteries of suffering and you are sincere with deep and abiding belief that He can answer. But you really doubt He is gonna do it til you get to Heaven. But you pray and rant anyway. Well, the very unexpected happened to me. God answered why I was infertile at age 27. Why, while everyone around me was either pregnant, getting pregnant or trying not to get pregnant, there I was for 17 years, unable to get pregnant naturally. And it came in the form of a 17 year old girl. The day she was born was the month that I tried to get pregnant and couldn't. And never was able to again naturally. My womb was closed unexpectedly after 1 stillborn,  1 wonderful son, and 1 mid term miscarriage. I couldn't conceive.

 And across the nation a little baby was born. This summer I met her. My heart met her and in the process of a 2 hour conversation that God alone orchestrated, I found out why I was infertile. I cannot and I mean because of a promise, tell the details of why my infertility was so important in this young girls life, and why my testimony answered her questions and crying out to the Lord but I assure you, as God assured me, I rested in my affliction that day. As did this young girl. And she left me with a hope that she needed. That God provided on a still road, on a hot summer night with His stars in the sky proclaiming that He alone, God alone is in control of our lives and every second, every thing, every joy and affliction is for His glory so that He can care for His creations.

What a miracle to witness both an answer so profound to both of us, who had never known one another but met for a brief time when our paths crossed and God answered our crying out to Him in this incredible way. How deeply He must love us to know that we can bear one another's burdens and provide through Him comfort and relief.  This is my testimony to His Greatness. His loving kindness to a young girl through me. What a blessing to have been infertile for her. I would not change a thing. I miss the spots where I believe children should be in between, before and after the children I have but God had a greater plan than a large family for me. That would have been easy.That was for other women.

 I have been "the mother of many children" as a barren woman. (Isaiah 54:1) and the bearer of a burden for the comfort of the innocent. How blessed to be chosen to bear this affliction. It will comfort me well into Heaven.

1 comment:

LaughingLioness said...

Beautiful. A beautiful testimony to God's redemption.
(I had Hannah when I was 40. And have a five year span when I didn't get pregnant between my boys. I ached for more babies. And finally asked God to remove the ache becasue it was consuming me. I totally get what you are saying). Really, your words are so very touching