A Useless Life

  Today my heart hurt. I am not sure why, maybe just everything. There are times in your life when you are going through so much internally and you don't want to share it, as it may make someone stumble. You want to let out all that you feel but realize that what you feel isn't that great and it would not only ruin your testimony, but it may make someone else hurt, fear, wonder, or doubt. And you certainly don't want to be responsible for that. But yet you feel..depressed, unloved, useless and a life wasted. So many regrets cram into your mind and your heart is physically overwhelmed to the point where you want to just run. Run from the life you have and beg God to please transport you back in time, let you do it all again with different results.

   But then you look at your children, your life that you have lived and see the most miraculous thing. In all your failures, you had the most wonderful children that without your mistakes would not be who they are today. With every miserable failure, every wrong turn, every mess up and flat out horrible step you took in your life, you molded someone that touches the world. whether 8 or 19 or even 11, your life has produced a life changing chain of events that has helped someone; has reached out in love, compassion, and yes, godliness.

  Your life is a reason to be. If you reach beyond todays pain and uselessness and see that in the years that have been so wasted, someone without a mother was touched and helped by your hand, a child was comforted in an abusive situation, or even rescued from a predator as a result of your diligence and hardheadedness, a life maybe saved, or at least rescued from torturous existence. Maybe it wasn't so bad so far. If this useless, wasted life of daily mistakes has been used by God to raise a warrior for His kingdom, well then, isn't every miserable mistake worth every single solitary second? I haven't begun to see the effects my little, useless life has had. Let these words be true.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

(26) For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. (27) But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; (28) and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, (29) that no flesh should glory in His presence. 

Promise Me

When my son was around 14 I read an article somewhere, probably in Michael Pearl's publication or Above Rubies or maybe one of Vision Forum's publications about expectations in children. It may have been something else and I really wish I had a decent memory because maybe then you could read the article yourself and get out of it the same thing I did. What I discovered was a Code Statement.

  A Code Statement was something that was a statement that meant something only to you and your child. Or in some families it was a Family Code Statement. Because of the unusual dynamics of my household, things like this were strictly between my kids and me. The statement was a code between you and your child that was the synopsis of everything that you expected and hoped for your child when you were not there. Now the article didn't say this exactly, but you know how when you read something and you get an idea that comes from the basis of what someone else is saying but it is not really what they are saying? Know what I am saying? Sorry, couldn't resist....:))

  Seriously though, I sat down one day and thought about the things that were important to me for my child to do and not do when I was not there to help him. How to resist temptation that the devil makes sure you are 100 miles away from your child before he unleashes it, that kind of temptation. What words could I put in my child's head that would give him strength without him having to take the time to pull out a long list of "Do Not's" and think "well would my Mom want me to do this?" and all that kind of stuff.  So I made a list, and the name of the list was "Promise Me".

It was something like this:

Promise Me that you will not put anything evil in front of your eyes
Promise Me that nothing evil will cross your lips
Promise Me that you will not do anything that you could not do with me watching you
Promise Me that you will not say anything that you would not say in front of me or the Preacher
Promise Me that above all you will think of Jesus Christ before you embark or partake in anything
Promise Me that you will keep your eyes, ears and heart pure at all times.
Promise Me that you will not look at any immodest woman or thing, that your eyes stay pure
Promise Me that you will think and say only what is Godly and pure so that your laughter and fellowship
will be pure and happy.

    This is not the exact list, my son just read it again, he is now 19, almost 20, but it is close. If we find that old battered list I will put it up, but this gives you the gist of it.

  You may think that is alot to put on a 14 year old, but it is not, because way before that age he has been bombarded by imagery, and stories and temptations way beyond what you may think. Even you Godly Homeschoolers young men have things thrown at your child when he is not next to you, sometimes even in the pew next to you. Satan is so devious and he hates your children more than you can know because God loves them so much, he wants to destroy them. And uses any means he can.  So, to give my child strength, in accordance to the scripture, to raise them in the way they should go, I came up with a code statement. And every time he left my presence, whether to go on youth camps, out the door to Boy Scouts or to the homeschool Co-Op or even to his Sunday School class, when my son gave me the mandatory goodbye kiss on the cheek, I would whisper "Promise Me" and he would always say to me, looking me in the eyes, "I Promise".  And I let him go. To go out of my presence, into the world with a promise on his lips to his Mother, who he knew was praying for him constantly. He had all the scriptures memorized and knew that in promising me all these things, that he was in actuality, promising God. It made a difference. This link to my heart, this promise, meant something to my son for many years. And it still does.

   When I put him the plane in the morning and kiss him goodbye as he flies away from me for 6 months to 9 different states working for a ministry to promote the kingdom of God through the equipping of young minds in government, I will whisper "Promise Me" and he will, I have no doubt, look me in the eyes and whisper back "I Promise".

It is is our code statement, not meant for other ears, only our two, a promise to God between us. My promise to God that I will pray for my child and raise him in the Admonition of the Lord, and my child's promise to me that he will live his life for God by following His precepts. It is a blessing to give to your child, something to hold on to when you are not there, something for them to live up to and something for them to stand by when you cannot stand by them.

Limiting Embryonic Stem Cell research and starving children

Limiting Embryonic Stem Cell research and starving children

I read a question from someone in an old Washington Post He asked "why do we limit embryonic stem cell research but let children starve everyday?" I think that is a valid question because all questions signify that the person asking them does not know the answer and wants someone to tell them the answer. So here ya go: It is alot more simple than you are implying. First there are no starving children in the USA. The only cases of children starving are the ones who are under the radar of the local, state and federal authorities not to mention the religious community of every belief. That is a lot of coverage. Any starvation of a child in the USA with all the social programs, faith based programs and just the downright overwhelming generosity of the average American is intentional on the parent or caregiver of said child. That said, I will move on to explain the starvation of children in other countries. There are thousands upon thousands of children either going to bed each night hungry or dying of malnutrition every day. 26,5000 children will die today and everyday for causes that include malnutrition (starvation). According to the www.globalissues.org website over half of the those children are in the sub Saharan portion of Africa, a quarter of them are in South Asia, and the rest except for .1 percent are in Latin American countries. IF you are following that is .1 percent for the Western Industrialized nations. If you will google "feed poor children around the world" what do you get? about 600,000 entries. Knowing that tons of them are probably repeats I will hazard a non scientific guess (and don't cut and paste this comment and allude I am making any other non scientific guesses on anything other than these organization, I need the money and will sue you) that there are around 20,000 legitimate organizations that collect money, clothes and battleship size containers of food to send to the poorest parts of the country. Along with millions of condoms and all forms of birth control. The majority of donations made to all these thousands of companies are made by Americans. I have almost sent the last $10.00 in my checking account after watching one of those heart wrenching commercials with pictures of little children with flies coming out of their mouths. I wanted to slap the parents for having sex too. But then most of them don't know that causes kids. And there you have it: one of the leading causes of overpopulation in the world in starving countries is that the people don't have the basic knowledge of how their bodies work. They live like animals in ignorance and poverty. And in that comes child after child to people unequipped to be parents. This leads to child rape, sexual bondage, sexual trade of children,and trafficking of minors. Because no matter what is going on in a man's life he is a slave to his nether regions and must have sex. Now I can hear you ask: "what does this have to do with the fact that children are starving and it is America's right wing fanatics fault because all they care about are embryos and fetuses?" Well let me tell you Grasshopper... These poverty stricken countries that have millions of tons of food shipped to them every day of the year for the last 25 years since the sensational multi continent concert "LIVE AID" swept the globe and also have had millions upon millions of dollars and people sent to aid them have consistently done the same thing: the governments of these nations have made sure the worldwide aid has not reached there people. They intentionally, make sure you hear me, intentionally and on purpose, with malicious intent and with pure effort, hoard the food, burn it, let it rot or best case scenario, trickle it to the people. Appalling but obviously not a front page sensational story like Brittany Spears shaving her head on a drug/drunken night out. No, as a matter of fact you have to search for the stories. Because if this was put in the mainstream media, all those thousands upon thousands of people who write those checks every month and wait for that picture of little Annoria or Carlos to come in the mail knew that their money was in fact enabling a third world dictator to buy a Rolex instead of feeding a family of 18 for 6 months they would slam the kitty door closed and nail it shut and then no more TV commercials for Juan to persuade the gullible American they can end world poverty with as little as $30.00 a month. There are children starving to death at the rate of 10,000 a day because of selfish, power crazy (remember Saddam Hussien? but I forgot the Liberals said he was really a nice guy once you got to know him and you weren't a citizen of Iraq) and sick cruel Men and I say Men because it is across the board that they are in charge. Women and children in all these countries aren't even allowed to eat unless the man of the house is willing to share his food. Child hungry and crying? tough, a man's gotta eat so he can have sex and make more unwanted children to starve in the streets. So when we are able to go into a country where there are starving children with the freedom to feed them and set the families up with an educational system that leads out of poverty, when we are able to find a government that puts all the free food and money that the world throws at all these nut case countries into their starving and poverty stricken populations, then we will end childhood hunger. We have enough food in America to "Feed the World". But the world won't open their door and let us in.

This Time

So I tell myself that This Time, I will get up early and do all the Mother things that I read other mothers are doing for their kids. Making healthy nutritious breakfasts, spending hours doing school with each child while baking bread and washing clothes at the same time in a sparkling clean house. Then baking cookies and delectable cakes in the afternoon while listening to them practice their piano and violin. And to end it all we cook dinner together, read the Bible and have story time before bed. This Time.
 Well that didn't work out, it looked more like this:
Got up, girls are playing with their dolls, still in pajamas because Mama was asleep and didn't wake up first. Mama says "get dressed and let's get started with school" to be met with youngest daughter flopping on the floor yelling "why??? I don't want to go anywhere today!" Because usually we are always running out the door to do poorly planned activities or errands. Ok, I need to plan more, I say mentally to myself as I yell going down the hall to the kitchen "because you are supposed to get dressed every day, its a rule!" and hear from my little mouthpiece "but we are homeschooled, we are supposed to be in our night clothes all day!". Now where did she get that idea from? I get dressed without fail as soon as I get up in the morning (or mid morning) and usually tell them to get dressed too. Oh well, off to be perfect Homeschool Mom. I go in the kitchen, which is a mess because no one cleaned it the night before and I had gone to be with a migraine while everyone watched tv. The kids father keeps cable because it is a good babysitter when I have a marathon migraine and he is shrimping and can't take them shopping or out to eat. We impart such good morals and principals around here you see. So I clean the kitchen while getting the ingredients for a homemade pancake breakfast. I am out of instant mix, and out of half the ingredients for my scratch recipe. Ok, bananas with peanut butter it is. Oop, out of bananas, so its noodles and sauce for breakfast. Oh well it is almost lunchtime anyway and they like that for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Homemade nutritious breakfast fail.
 But school I can conquer. The girls are dressed, but their hair is a mess and I doubt they brushed their teeth and the son is in the garage doing whatever because he is in college and doesn't have any classes right now, so annoying me is his top objective. Just kidding. Not really. Just his presence puts a kink in my plans because he wants me to go to some hardware store and help him pick out stain while the girls want to play outside because he is in the garage. Can you see where I am going here? I yell, in all sweetness of course "go do your school, NOW" so they hightail it to their desks in the newly rearranged school room that is all Feng Sui now or something like that, and should be able to say their times tables backwards and forwards.
THEN it happens. I stop to check my email. An hour later I come up out of that black hole of the internet and  I realize that no one has bothered me. So I spring up to see the sauce dried and almost burnt, the girls playing with their dolls and the son playing frisbee with the dog. Hmmm. School fail.
Well, we will do better tomorrow when I get up at 7am but for now I have to go the grocery store and as I better not go hungry let's stop for sushi and Japanese. I'll cook a great dinner tomorrow with home made bread because this time I forgot to put the ingredients in the bread maker. Next time I will be a better Homeschool Mom making nutritious meals and teaching deep theological mysteries to my kids, but for today I will load them in the car and go all over town, telling them stories of my life between singing at the top of our lungs to Christian rock and playing in parks that I can't stand to pass by without letting them play on the playground or letting the hairy dog run free in some woods. And I will hold them in my arms while I get a latte and smile while I show them a new vegetable in the market or read a new recipe at the bookstore my son wants to stop in and then we will read what the statue in the square is famous for while we get a cupcake from a little hole in the wall store. This Time, I will just be me with my kids and watch them smile and listen when my son says "I want the faith you have Mama" because we talk about Jesus all day. This Time is precious to me.

Useless Days

I hate being sick. But it seems that at least 5 days a month, and that is minimum, are spent in bed. I have migraines that debilitate me to the point that I cannot get out of bed except to throw up. Nice huh? I hope you aren't eating breakfast or anything, sorry for being so graphic! But there it is, I waste several days a month in bed. You say there are medications for that out there and you are right. But some of them don't work on severe migraines and some of them are too dangerous to take. I happen to be one of the rare people who read the insert in the medicine box. You know, the one that tells you the outcome of the clinical tests. Some of the reading is scarier than a Stephen King novel. But the migraine ones are the ones that scare me.

My father died at age 51, an  age that is sneaking up on me in the next decade, of heart failure after years of heart disease that started in his 30's. My uncles, his brothers, have all had heart disease and multiple bypass surgeries. My grandmother died of heart disease. So I am thinking that gives me a history of heart disease in my immediate family right? Maybe I am wrong but that kinda lines up with the warnings on the box that say "do not take if there is a history of heart disease in your family". But according to the logic of a neurologist here in Savannah, Georgia, that is just in theory. Theory huh? I guess the people who died a sudden death in the clinical trials after taking the meds are just dead in theory right? Absurd. But yet this is the position most physicians take. Well, it won't happen to my patients because it is easier for me to write a prescription in the 10 minutes I allotted you for  your insurance payment of 190.00 and if I take any more time with you I will not meet my quota of several thousand a day income I need for my lifestyle. So take a pill and run along like a good girl and let Dr. take the next patient. Yeah, I may sound a little bitter here. But I know that I have 3 kids that depend on me and  I will not take cocaine or drive while drinking much less take a prescription pill that will risk my life also. Call me paranoid.

So here I am , without any investigation into why I get these migraines on specific days of the month, like say those definite hormonal fluctuation days that I can chart, and am told to take a dangerous pill. So I suffer each month because being in bed for 48 hours is preferable than risking a sudden heart attack. Hopefully, one day I will find a doctor that will look into this but I will probably hit menopause and stop having migraines before they do, cause doctors are a little too busy to worry about a woman's headache.

And then here I am sick with a rancorous cold that makes my eyes and face burn, along with exhaustion and a need to sleep 12 hours at a time. It is 1pm EST and I am in bed writing this. My kids are at the inlaws, getting no school done because no one knows how to open a book unless I tell them it seems! But that is the way of the world isn't it? We usually have to be made to to do the unpleasant things. And school is not fun unless Mama is teaching it. So, no school accomplished. It is Christmas time and there are no presents being bought, no groceries being hunted and gathered, no Christmas mantle being put up or any cookies being baked. 2 days in the bed, wasted. How do you recuperate from wasted days? You don't get a make up day in life do you?
So I see that in the future, as in tomorrow, I will be running around like a chicken with her head cut off if I am able to leave this bed of sickness. Also, washing the bedsheets along with the other loads of laundry that didn't get washed these last 2 days and cleaning the house that looks like a gang of villains used it as their hideout. All to make up for the useless days I spent in bed sick.

There is no use in complaining, all the work will be doubled, I will be weak feeling and probably grumpy which will be my responsibility not to inflict on my innocent children who have been deprived of my presence for the last 2 days, maybe 3 if I don't start feeling better. But I hope you heard in this long post of complaining the blessings. No? You can't see them clearly? I didn't sound thankful at all? I am sorry, let me tell you how I really feel.

My life is blessed because I am:

Living in a country where I can pick up the phone and go to a doctor.
Have a life long enough to go through menopause
Having the freedom to say that I don't agree with my doctor and choose another
Having a home to live in
Having children to miss me when I am in bed sick
Having decorations to decorate my house with
Having money to go grocery shopping
Having an abundance of food to shop for without limits
Having a bed to sleep in that has covers and pillows
Having the health to be able to do the chores that are ahead of me
Having a Savior to celebrate His birth
there are more blessings, like having a washer and dryer, a dishwasher, a car to go shopping in and others of the ilk but the most important one is the last one because without Him, I would have no other blessings. He is the keeper, the founder and giver of all blessings. I am so grateful that I was born in America, that I have the ability to work, to have a family and home. I have to remember this as I look at the mess the kids made attending to their needs while I couldn't and be grateful that they had everything they needed. God could have so easily put me in another country, living in a mud hut, praying for enough rice and clean water to feed my kids. I probably would be dead by now at my age, or killed in an insurgency but God was gracious and gave me a life of ease compared to millions of others in the world. Why? Why was I chosen for this life and allowed the luxuries of plenty? I am not rich by any means and we struggle to pay for our bills and extras but there is always enough to eat, the ability to work and the freedom of expressing anything we desire. I live a protected life, even in this sickbed, I am blessed. This I pray that I remember everyday.  There really are no useless days if you remember everything that you are given by Him.

A Different Kind of Life

Tonight we started the celebration of my daughter's birthday which is tomorrow. We love pretending we are in England, one of our dream places to visit, so we went to dinner at a restaurant called "The Sixpence Pub" in downtown Savannah. It has the authentic feel of an English pub. Bwah ha ha ha! I know that sounds ridiculous doesn't it because we have never seen the inside of an authentic English pub aside from what we have seen on TV. But suffice it to say that it makes us think we are in an authentic pub. My daughter is turning 11 tomorrow. That is when it struck me. I have a 19 year old who is all of the following: A successful campaign manager to a candidate for a statewide position, something that is virtually unheard of, yet there it is and he also managed student projects for a gubernatorial candidate, 2 senators, and a Congressman in Arkansas through a company he started to protect the interest of a national non-profit organization. He has 3.9 GPA in college, he has been hired by said non-profit company to travel for the next 6 months directing programs in at least 10 states, he is an Eagle Scout, can play 2 instruments great including the bagpipes and can at least pull a song out of 3 more instruments. He was homeschooled, rides 4 wheelers, has a redneck truck, works with his Dad on his shrimp boat and can quote CS Lewis, JRRToilken and the Bible like a theologian. He also picks on his sisters who are about 7 - 12 years younger than him and is a mentor to several young men. He can sew costumes and sings out loud, drives crazy (which I don't approve of but obviously was not a good role model) and was saved at age 6.
I could go on and on listing his awards and accomplishments but you get the idea. He reads his sisters The Hobbit and A Christmas Carol because he loves the stories and they do too. He taught them to sword fight when the youngest was 2. He is my Nanny. My daughters love him and feel safe with him. My girls are avid Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter fans, my oldest loves to read biographies and mysteries. They love to travel and will jump in the car and go anywhere. I woke them up one night last year the day after Christmas and said we are going to New York, 22 hours away to see snow. They rolled out bed and jumped in the car and asked if the dog could come! They love museums and art shows, well the youngest likes it if she has a kids area in the art museum! They build cities and towns for their American Girl dolls and invent plays to perform for them.
As I looked at my youngest in the rest room of the English pub, she asked me something, I don't remember what, but it made me realize that I have given my children a very different upbringing than I had and even very different from most people I know. They have been raised to explore and dig into everything and anything that interest them. Although in our homeschool they have to do school, we do it differently, depending on what I need to do that day, so they learn flexibility and are not chained to a routine. I have always heard that children need and love routine and maybe that is true, but I see in my children creativity and curiosity that seems to be lacking in the kids I see that have a very structured life of get up , do school, do activity, go home, play video games, eat dinner, go to bed. repeat.
My kids are not allowed to play video games or computer games. They can watch movies, but not TV shows except cooking shows, or Scooby Doo. We have 3 computers in the house and they have facebooks and emails, carefully monitored. I have a program a man in our former church gave to me when my son was about 13 or so, that can pull every image that has ever been on the computer and you can ask it to display them. I told my son we had that and I have not ever had a problem with porn with him. Of course I told him regularly, like once a week in a loving and semi non violent way, what porn was (Satan's best line of attack to males), and its purpose (to destroy sex for the man, so that he became perverted and sordid) and that Satan hated  him so he wants him to be addicted to sex and porn. My son has had the opportunity to mentor to young boys and young men about the dangers of porn and his heart breaks to see them stumble around in it. I found out that he was talking to others about staying away from it about 2 years ago and knew that it was God's grace that saved him from that pit. God has put his hand on my children. He has allowed me to give them a really eclectic childhood that has produced these kids who love to fish and argue on Capital Hill. They  can converse with rednecks, Congressmen, scholars and theologians.
Wow, I am so thankful to God for this gift. I stand amazed that He has allowed me to realize my dream of showing my kids so many different ways of life. My children told me one day last week as we were once again going to some activity downtown, that I was a Fun Mom. Now that is great.

To Give Up Everything...What Does That Mean?

I wrote this response to an unbeliever who was arguing that the Bible was untrue and that Christians should give up their houses and families and live in the streets to be true Christians.


To lose everything does not necessarily mean to lose your house, family and all your worldly goods. They are a reflection of what you seek for happiness. To truly lose everything, is to die to one's self. That is biblical. And to die to one's self is to not focus on what one thinks as right but to measure every thought by the standard held up by the Bible and then to live it. To sacrifice the natural man's innate desire to please the appetites of the carnal man. To die to self is to lose all desire to please oneself and live to serve others. To focus on how someone else feels, how our presence, attitudes, actions and speech affect the ones around us. We are to clothe ourself in kindness and understanding, remembering that the lost are just that...lost and we are to be compassionate and not judgmental of them. They are already judged and condemned, we are to seek ways to help the condition of man right now, the present time. By doing this we are seen as Christ said "you will know them by their love for one another". and to steal a paragraph from
Jack Watts of Pushing Jesus " This is where Christians stumble all the time. They drive desperate people, caught up in sinful lifestyles, away, refusing to give them the same mercy they required a few years earlier. They embrace pride rather than humility, judgment rather than mercy, and rejection rather than acceptance. They cease to be like the Lord, who loved sinful people."
And because of this, we Christians are seen as failures because most sinners know that Christ sought them out, not the Pharisees or the leaders of churches.
When we live like this, we are truly giving up everything, because our natural self, our sinful self, desires to please our base needs and also our pride, the first sin, seeks to be better than others, instead of less than others. And yet we are instructed to see others as better than ourselves (Phil 2:3) and in this most Christians fail. They fail because they still have the vain belief that they sought salvation, that they sought out the Lord when in truth He had to seek out us because we were dead in our sins and could do nothing of ourselves, being dead.
To truly die to self is pleasing to God, but ever merciful is He that knows in our weakness, we can only aspire to that, failing daily.